This entry is dedicated to my friend. Let's call him "Joel". Joel is a cool guy, but is, shall we say, a little "challenged" when it comes to dealing with women. Tonight he inspired me to write the following. We'll call it "How to Let Her Know You're Just Not That Into Her, Without Her Having to Buy and Read a Book She Saw on Oprah"
1. "I'll call you."
If you have any experience dating whatsoever, you probably know halfway through your first date whether or not you're interested in a second. If you aren't, don't EVER say this. Just don't do it. Don't make plans for a second date on the first, don't say you're going to call, make no verbal commitments whatsoever. Just say "I'll see you around." If she's not a psycho, she'll get the hint.
2. "I really like you but..."
No. Stop. If you don't "really like" someone enough to date them, don't tell them you "really like" them. The first half of that sentence is all the other person hears. If you don't like them, simply say "I don't like you." They may be insulted at first, but in the long run they'll appreciate your honesty.
3. Going on dates with someone you don't want to date
You'd think this would be obvious, but sadly, it is not. If someone is just a booty call, keep it at that. Any carry-over into breakfast, dinner, a movie, ANYTHING, will only send her the message that she's almost your girlfriend. Frankly, spending time with a booty-call outside of booty-calling is just mean. It will only end up making someone resent you. If you want a girlfriend, go find a real one!
Also, if the girl is just a friend, and you want to keep it at that but she doesn't: NEVER go out alone. Ever. Always make outings group-oriented. Oh, and the "group" cannot include children or couples. Trust me.
Bottom line: don't try to be nice. Most of the time guys side step whatever issues they can in a desperate attempt to be as nice as possible. I am well aware that hurting a perfectly nice girl's feelings is probably a guy's worst fear, but ironically, being nice only hurts more. If a woman likes a man, she can make excuses for him like it's her job. She will wait for you to call and agonize over what "games" you might be playing. The solution: simply don't leave any gray areas or loopholes for her to jump through.
The End.
Thursday, December 13
Thursday, November 29
I LoveThe Spice Girls
I know it's a controversial thing to say, but I do. I always have. I still know all the words to all their songs, and the following performance changed my life as a 12 year old. I still know this dance by heart:
LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE WEARING! If anything, the Spice Girls proved to me that if you seriously don't care what other people think you CAN wear anything you want. I started wearing platform shoes not long after this. I bought a union jack shirt (they didn't sell dresses), that I still own and wear because of Ginger's dress.
That said, there is a new Spice Girls video on the loose. The song is awful, but the video itself proves a valid point: 35 year olds are hot, and the world isn't ready for it.
Much like when they met the royal family looking like drag queens, eyebrows are raising at the sight of all five women in racy lingerie, fondling themselves and each other.
While I'm willing to concede that the lingerie is a bit much (I didn't know Posh was a dominatrix), I think this demonstrates a fatal flaw in pop culture: The older you get the less hot you are, no matter how you look.
This is why I like the Spice Girls: They're grown ups. I've always found the Scarlett Johansons and Britney Spears(es?) of the world to be a tad depressing. Those girls were well under 18 when they started being ogled and dressed up in sexy little outfits, and I think that that is just wrong.
But the Spice Girls have never made me feel uncomfortable with how they look. Largely because they are older than I am, and so I am okay with them being as sexual as they want to be. They are women, real women. It's inspiring, almost, to watch the Spice Girls because you know they are old enough to understand and truly appreciate their sexuality. Different than say, Britney Spears humping a giant snake at the VMAs or any "Girls Gone Wild" video. I mean, at 18 or 20, how much does anyone really "appreciate" about sex or even their own body?
The Spice Girls look AMAZING in the new video. The oldest member, Geri, is 35, yet people reviewing this video online are still saying things like "No matter what they have tried to attempt here, they look like soccer moms to me." Really?? Because I didn't know your sex-o-meter ran out at 30. If that's true, I better get to strippin', because it looks like I've only got about 8 good years left on me.
Crap.
LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE WEARING! If anything, the Spice Girls proved to me that if you seriously don't care what other people think you CAN wear anything you want. I started wearing platform shoes not long after this. I bought a union jack shirt (they didn't sell dresses), that I still own and wear because of Ginger's dress.
That said, there is a new Spice Girls video on the loose. The song is awful, but the video itself proves a valid point: 35 year olds are hot, and the world isn't ready for it.
Much like when they met the royal family looking like drag queens, eyebrows are raising at the sight of all five women in racy lingerie, fondling themselves and each other.
While I'm willing to concede that the lingerie is a bit much (I didn't know Posh was a dominatrix), I think this demonstrates a fatal flaw in pop culture: The older you get the less hot you are, no matter how you look.
This is why I like the Spice Girls: They're grown ups. I've always found the Scarlett Johansons and Britney Spears(es?) of the world to be a tad depressing. Those girls were well under 18 when they started being ogled and dressed up in sexy little outfits, and I think that that is just wrong.
But the Spice Girls have never made me feel uncomfortable with how they look. Largely because they are older than I am, and so I am okay with them being as sexual as they want to be. They are women, real women. It's inspiring, almost, to watch the Spice Girls because you know they are old enough to understand and truly appreciate their sexuality. Different than say, Britney Spears humping a giant snake at the VMAs or any "Girls Gone Wild" video. I mean, at 18 or 20, how much does anyone really "appreciate" about sex or even their own body?
The Spice Girls look AMAZING in the new video. The oldest member, Geri, is 35, yet people reviewing this video online are still saying things like "No matter what they have tried to attempt here, they look like soccer moms to me." Really?? Because I didn't know your sex-o-meter ran out at 30. If that's true, I better get to strippin', because it looks like I've only got about 8 good years left on me.
Crap.
Wednesday, November 28
Conspiracies
I was going to compile a list of funny YouTube comments, but then I came across a debate between some kids who think our own government planned 9/11 and kids who do not.
I just want to write this down so I know I said it:
9/11 was not an inside job and, for the record, JFK was not killed in a government-run conspiracy plot.
Why do I know this? Because the basis for any conspiracy theory is simply fear. And that fear often makes people see things they want to see, even if they aren't really there. It's far more comforting to believe in secret government conspiracies, because those imply someone has control and we know who they are. The terrifying truth is this: No one has control.
The cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead once said "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." Of course, she intended people to think of making positive changes in their world, but not everyone in the world has good intentions for other people, and the bad people are just as powerful when driven by an idea.
Yes America, it is possible for one angry little man from New Orleans to assassinate a president and change history. With the right amount of planning, nineteen angry men can board three commercial airliners and murder 3,000 Americans, changing our country forever.
The best we can do is thank God that these tragic events rarely unfold, and be brave enough to embrace the freedom we're so proud of, no matter how dangerous or scary it may be sometimes.
I just want to write this down so I know I said it:
9/11 was not an inside job and, for the record, JFK was not killed in a government-run conspiracy plot.
Why do I know this? Because the basis for any conspiracy theory is simply fear. And that fear often makes people see things they want to see, even if they aren't really there. It's far more comforting to believe in secret government conspiracies, because those imply someone has control and we know who they are. The terrifying truth is this: No one has control.
The cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead once said "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." Of course, she intended people to think of making positive changes in their world, but not everyone in the world has good intentions for other people, and the bad people are just as powerful when driven by an idea.
Yes America, it is possible for one angry little man from New Orleans to assassinate a president and change history. With the right amount of planning, nineteen angry men can board three commercial airliners and murder 3,000 Americans, changing our country forever.
The best we can do is thank God that these tragic events rarely unfold, and be brave enough to embrace the freedom we're so proud of, no matter how dangerous or scary it may be sometimes.
Why Blogging Is Lame
First of all, the word "Blog" itself is just awful. I understand the etymology, but it's such an ugly word. Oh, and as a verb it's even worse: "Blogging"? It sounds like a term you would use to describe how Mark Mangino runs. (That's right, I used a sports reference, suck it.) Whenever someone says "Blog" to me I think they've thrown up in their mouth and are just trying to cover it up by continuing to talk. That is how awful it sounds to me.
Second of all, is this not the biggest testament to how ego-centric our culture has become? You really think people want to read about your cat or what you ate today? I tried hitting "next blog" on the toolbar at the top of my page, hoping to find some emo kid who'd just finished an entry about what kind of sandwich he ate that day, to show you what I mean. Unfortunately, most of the blogs I've found have been in Spanish. But I'm pretty sure if I took the time to translate them, they would be about somebody's lunch and their cat. Just trust me.
Thirdly, I finally found another blog in English and it's this one.
Case closed.
Excuse me, I have to go make dinner and feed my cats now (it's a pasta dinner and there are multiple cats, that makes it cooler).
Second of all, is this not the biggest testament to how ego-centric our culture has become? You really think people want to read about your cat or what you ate today? I tried hitting "next blog" on the toolbar at the top of my page, hoping to find some emo kid who'd just finished an entry about what kind of sandwich he ate that day, to show you what I mean. Unfortunately, most of the blogs I've found have been in Spanish. But I'm pretty sure if I took the time to translate them, they would be about somebody's lunch and their cat. Just trust me.
Thirdly, I finally found another blog in English and it's this one.
Case closed.
Excuse me, I have to go make dinner and feed my cats now (it's a pasta dinner and there are multiple cats, that makes it cooler).
Tuesday, November 27
Top Ten Signs Michael Jackson Might Be Jesus
10. He unites people of all races and creeds.
9. He can heal Africa whenever he feels like it.
8. I don't see any reason why he couldn't moon-walk across water if he really wanted to.
7. There are conflicting beliefs as to his true ethnicity and cultural identity.
6. No one wants to admit he has sex with women, or men.
5. If Jesus were alive today, why WOULDN'T he have his own amusement park in his back yard?
4. He is continually persecuted/ridiculed for being a wierdo.
3. He was basically betrayed and turned over to authorities on false accusations from people he was trying to help.
2. Once he dies, his popularity will skyrocket (again).
1. This is what the Pentecost was like:
9. He can heal Africa whenever he feels like it.
8. I don't see any reason why he couldn't moon-walk across water if he really wanted to.
7. There are conflicting beliefs as to his true ethnicity and cultural identity.
6. No one wants to admit he has sex with women, or men.
5. If Jesus were alive today, why WOULDN'T he have his own amusement park in his back yard?
4. He is continually persecuted/ridiculed for being a wierdo.
3. He was basically betrayed and turned over to authorities on false accusations from people he was trying to help.
2. Once he dies, his popularity will skyrocket (again).
1. This is what the Pentecost was like:
Why You Should Care About My Writings
I'm smart. Like, really really smart. You're lucky if you can even comprehend some of the amazingly advanced and well-researched principles that I will present in the coming entries of this blog. I'm so freaking smart, people often avoid me in social situations for fear of being made to look a fool. Because of this, I often find myself at home, alone, with my cat (the only other being who rivals my intelligence). Naturally, I decided to create a blog so that all the little people out there, the ignorant masses, could get a glimpse into what it's like to be a truly spectacular human being.
Get excited.
Get excited.
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